To be or not to be FAKE
(Pictured: L to R: Megan Broadnax, Mariah Tibbs, Shanae Edwards, & Me)
The Late Mrs. Dorothy E. Craige Williams with whom I called “Nana”
You know I have always prided myself on “keeping it real” or as NeNe Leakes puts it “tell it like it is” not that even she herself does that on a regular basis. *Cough, cough* Lol! But I digress. I’ve been in a season of transitions. I graduated from college a few weeks ago. I’m entering a new stage in my production company. I turned 26, and now I’m about to be a future brother-in law. YUCK! Yes, I’m not in support of my sister’s wedding. However, I don’t want this post to be about that.
I was raised by extremely strong, independent, wise African-American women. My grandmother whom I called “Nana” was a G.I. baby. Look it up. She grew up during the Depression and Second World War. She taught me so many things, and one of those things was to be 100% true to myself know matter what. She didn’t use the term “fake”, but in laymen’s terms that’s basically what she meant. My mother implemented this philosophy into her parenting style. When all the other mom’s on Sunday morning let their five year old boys sleep on their lap during the sermon. My mom would say “get up, you’re not a baby. You can lay on the pew.” Now some will criticize and say “she’s mean.” However, she wasn’t.
(Pictured: L to R: Marie, Uncle Rob, & Me, Circa 2013)
My Uncle Robert sadly is a suffering crack addict, HIV positive, partially paralyzed, and homeless this is the reason why my mom was so tough on me. My uncle was an extremely talented child. He had the voice of an angel. He was light and pretty. The girls and guys thought he was hot stuff. I heard so many stories about him growing up, but his narrative took a dark turn as he grew older. Uncle Rob received so much praise as a kid that it crippled him. He never had to work for anything. People never corrected him because they believed he was a “god.” Unfortunately, he wasn’t and through his own trials/tribulations he succumb to a life of despair and anguish. He never was true to himself because he didn’t know himself. He only knew what persona he put out in public to remain popular and cute. It’s a burden he lives with to this day at 52 years old.
(Pictured: L to R: Marie, Mom, & Me)
My mom said that experience taught her to never put any human being on a pedestal. The only being she places on that level is God, and she was adamant about that. Recently, I’ve had old friendships deteriorate. I call myself a conspiracy theorist. I always have to know “why”, but I realized I would rather have no friends and be 100% true to myself than have 100 friends and I don’t know who the fuck I am.
(Pictured: Marie & Me, Circa 1993)
When my mom got pregnant with me, her husband was so angry he asked her to have an abortion. Having already went through that with him, my mom said “no.” Yes, they were married for you “churchy” snot nosed folks with nothing positive to speak about other people and their journeys in life. Years later, mom told me that God came to her in a dream. He said, “I will be everything you need me to be. You’re going to raise your son alone, but I’m going to be with you every step of the way.” That was over 26 years ago.
In all honesty, while turning 26 isn’t the most popular age it is the age when the “light bulb” goes off in your brain. Let me start by saying my actual birthday was nice. I received a plethora of emails, text messages, phone calls, and social media posts yet I didn’t feel loved. Why? It didn’t come from the people I wanted it to come from, and when that moment struck my brain the light clicked.
I thoroughly have to shout out my friends who made the pilgrimage to the movies with me to celebrate my birthday. Can you believe it? The filmmaker went to the movies on his special day. My family and I saw Rocketman, the new Elton John biopic. Often in life, we focus on the people who don’t show us affection. We wrap our entire lives into the nonexistent, cold frames of a fragmented friendship just to feel the deep, rooted love we have for that individual. It is one of the most painful things to feel when that amount of love is not reciprocated. I should know. I’ve been there. I’ve been nurturing a friendship with someone who I thought was going to be a root in my life, and after careful consideration I realized he’s a rodent seeking to devour the seeds that I’ve planted in my life. My best friend “Giselle” always said that skunks are rodents with a cute outfit, and she is correct. My parents mean the absolute world to me, and so does my sister even though I could totally drop kick her right now. Marie, you are not ready to get married. Okay. Sorry, I’m back. LOL!
Thankfully, I caught this creature and had him exterminated before he caused any permanent damage. Yes, I can beat a metaphor to death. We get ourselves so wrapped up in those unreciprocated feelings that we neglect those who do truly care for us. To my friends “Jess”, “Ebony”, and “Bre” I am sorry. I love you very much, and I’m going to do better about staying in touch. You’ve been good to me. You see, what I mean? I’ve spent the last eight weeks cultivating a doomed relationship with some fool over spending quality time with my bestie “Jess.” Jess, with her baby in tow, in the rain, walked over several miles to attend my graduation. She knew how miserable I was, and how alone I felt that she surprised me at church afterwards. She wrote the most affirming things in my card, and I felt 100% loved. Yet, I still felt betrayed because my other friend didn’t show that type of affection. Then I became angry. Then I became mad. All in all, I’m neglecting my dear friend who has been in my corner right from the start. As human beings, it is easy to get stuck.
(Pictured: Actress, Bryce Dallas Howard portraying the role of “Sheila John” in Rocketman (2019)
